1. I’ve discovered the leading cause of dry skin. Towels.
2. What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? WAAAAAAATTAAHHHHH
3. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And some people.
4. I got my wife a fridge for her birthday. Her face lit up when she opened it.
5. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
6. What’s sticky and brown? A stick!
7. I can cut a log in half just by looking at it. I know it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
8. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
9. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, man! Breathe!”
10. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
11. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
12. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “How do you drive this thing?”
13. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
14. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
15. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
16. I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket: “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
17. Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
18. There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t.
19. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
20. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For drizzle.
21. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison? The spelling.
22. Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees? Because they’re pretty good at it.
23. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
24. A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, “20! 20! 20!”
25. Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
26. I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
27. My friend gave me his Epi–Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
28. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
29. Not to brag, but I made six figures last year. I was also voted worst employee at the toy factory.
30. The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
31. Why did the circle agree with the triangle?  The triangle had a point.
32. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
33. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.
34. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
35. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
36. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
37. Am I the only one who realizes that whiteboards are truly remarkable?
38. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
39. Relationships are a lot like algebra? Sometimes, you look at your X and wonder Y.
40. What do you call Jay-Z’s former girlfriend? Feyoncé.
41. I don’t trust trees. They seem kind of shady.
42. How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.
43. I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
44. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
45. Just remember, when all else fails, you can always count on your fingers.
46. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
47. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
48. I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
49. I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.
50.  Did you hear about the bagel in the zoo? It was bread in captivity.
51. I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
52. My doctor told me I was going deaf. That was hard for me to hear.
53. I don’t understand why my wife was so mad and called me lazy. I didn’t even do anything.
54. I’m writing a math book for short people. It’s called ‘Making the little things count.’
55. My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night… almost poked my eye out.
56. My son should, I should respect his privacy; at least that’s what he said in his journal.
57. Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station. Investigators said they have nothing to go on.